Today I thought I’d do something a little different. In a sea of horrid craigslist ads how does one stand out from the masses? Never fear, I am here to help with a How-To. Without further ado:
Step One: Identify the subject to be sold. This is usually best done over beers and a fire pit. As in:
Jerry: We need more beer money.
Howie: Weeellll Shit. Where we gonna get that? I don’t get paid for a week!
Jerry: Hey we could sell sumthin.
Howie: How about Spot? Bout time the little shit worked.
Step Two: Ensure that Spot is in prime condition. This can be a long process; fat and muscle take time to disappear.
- Remove all but the worst moldy hay and feed from the horse’s reach.
- Call the farrier and cancel your appointment, after all you’re selling him, he’ll be someone else’s problem soon enough.
- Paperwork is for sissies. Practice your target shooting using the last Coggins you have on Spot (probably from when you purchased him).
- If the horse won’t roll in mud and manure himself you’ll need to take matters into your own hands. The key is getting the proper consistency in the ‘mud paint’ you’ll need to spread in a thin film all over his body; I recommend adding swamp water to the mix.
- Bad haircuts all round! We want Spot to really shine. Shave half his mane off, cut his tail above his hocks or shave his name onto his side, don’t want his new owners to forget it!
Step Three: Every good and bad ad has photographic evidence to support the sale. Really take your time here, the right setting is everything. Keep these points in mind while searching for the prime location:
- Find the corner of your yard that really says ‘a Hoarder lives here’.
- You’ll want Spot to have a slightly terrified look in his eye so flapping tarps, screaming children, dogs and firearms are usually necessary for the photo shoot.
- Children’s toys always say ‘bombproof’.
- Nothing shows Spots ride-ability like a 2 year old without shoes or a helmet.
- Uphill or downhill, slopes are your friend! The only downside (ha!) is the lack of mud- get your garden hose out- you need to go the extra mile here.
- Taking the photo through something (panels, barbed wire, constructions fence) really adds an artistic element.
- Camera choice is also important; I recommend a Polaroid, disposable cameras (if you promise to spill water on the prints) and any cell phone camera.
Step Four: Compose the advertising text and remember this isn’t your Grandma’s English paper. Sample:
spit is a rel gud hrse. he real purty . ain’t gelded so u can get rel niz babies from him stil. spot cleans up rel nix. hes a quartor hors/thorowbread/shtelond/corgi/tesnensense talker X and a champion.he aint regeistered yet only cuz hes the fiurst of his kind. hes bout 5 feet tall and all muscle. he only bit marylou once and not rel hard. $20 or a case of blue ribbon. you haul.
**This was actually really hard to type, damn autocorrect!**
Step Five: Post that ad! Settle back with a beer and let the offers come rolling in!
The key to success here is to really work at it, you can’t hold back! If you do everything I mention though you will likely have the honor of being featured on my blog, Snarky’s, or Fugly’s. That’s when you’ll know you made it.