Circus Horse!

How this ad should really read:

Circus horse for sale!

Experienced circus star is for sale. Ride him your way; if you can dream it you can do it! This Quarter Horse is a fantastic starter horse for anyone with circus dreams. Not just your average circus horse, he is very versatile and comes with a complete skill set. Take this talented fellow home tonight! He does have a fleshy knot on his shoulder from a sword accident; the clown thinks it won’t harm his performance.

Skills include but are not limited to trail riding (around the circus camp), hunting (for new acts), pack horse (for traveling between shows), parades (when the circus arrives in a new town), fun shows (even circus’ have their competitions)

Sample poses shown below:

Upper Left: Reverse Side-Saddle

Upper Right: Double Trouble Bareback

Lower Left: Bum Ride

Lower Right: The Classic Stand

Please stop by if you’re interested, the circus is in town for another week then we’re headed to Buffalo!

Asking $800 or a new trapeze set.

How To: The Craigslist Tutorial

Today I thought I’d do something a little different. In a sea of horrid craigslist ads how does one stand out from the masses? Never fear, I am here to help with a How-To. Without further ado:

Step One:     Identify the subject to be sold. This is usually best done over beers and a fire pit. As in:

 Jerry: We need more beer money.

Howie: Weeellll Shit. Where we gonna get that? I don’t get paid for a week!

Jerry: Hey we could sell sumthin.

Howie: How about Spot? Bout time the little shit worked.

Spot a.k.a. Beer Money

Step Two:     Ensure that Spot is in prime condition. This can be a long process; fat and muscle take time to disappear.

  1.  Remove all but the worst moldy hay and feed from the horse’s reach.
  2. Call the farrier and cancel your appointment, after all you’re selling him, he’ll be someone else’s problem soon enough.
  3. Paperwork is for sissies. Practice your target shooting using the last Coggins you have on Spot (probably from when you purchased him).
  4. If the horse won’t roll in mud and manure himself you’ll need to take matters into your own hands. The key is getting the proper consistency in the ‘mud paint’ you’ll need to spread in a thin film all over his body; I recommend adding swamp water to the mix.
  5. Bad haircuts all round! We want Spot to really shine. Shave half his mane off, cut his tail above his hocks or shave his name onto his side, don’t want his new owners to forget it!

    Bonus points for extra animals in the shot!

Step Three:     Every good and bad ad has photographic evidence to support the sale. Really take your time here, the right setting is everything. Keep these points in mind while searching for the prime location:

  • Find the corner of your yard that really says ‘a Hoarder lives here’.

    Use this as a comparison!

  • You’ll want Spot to have a slightly terrified look in his eye so flapping tarps, screaming children, dogs and firearms are usually necessary for the photo shoot.

    Family is important, if you don't have your own invite the neighbors!

  • Children’s toys always say ‘bombproof’.
  • Nothing shows Spots ride-ability like a 2 year old without shoes or a helmet.

    What a wimp! That kid's wearing shoes!

  • Uphill or downhill, slopes are your friend! The only downside (ha!) is the lack of mud- get your garden hose out- you need to go the extra mile here.
  • Taking the photo through something (panels, barbed wire, constructions fence) really adds an artistic element.

    A fabulous shot! Love the action!

  • Camera choice is also important; I recommend a Polaroid, disposable cameras (if you promise to spill water on the prints) and any cell phone camera.

Step Four:     Compose the advertising text and remember this isn’t your Grandma’s English paper.  Sample:

spit is a rel gud hrse. he real purty . ain’t gelded so u can get rel niz babies from him stil. spot cleans up rel nix. hes a quartor hors/thorowbread/shtelond/corgi/tesnensense talker X and a champion.he aint regeistered yet only cuz hes the fiurst of his kind. hes bout 5 feet tall and all muscle. he only bit marylou once and not rel hard. $20 or a case of blue ribbon. you haul.

**This was actually really hard to type, damn autocorrect!**

Step Five:      Post that ad! Settle back with a beer and let the offers come rolling in!

It's all about the frame (and yes this was actually on a craigslist ad)

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The key to success here is to really work at it, you can’t hold back! If you do everything I mention though you will likely have the honor of being featured on my blog, Snarky’s, or Fugly’s. That’s when you’ll know you made it.

A Xmas Pony

Christmas is coming and little girls everywhere have visions of ponies dancing in their heads. Gray ones, spotted ones, pink ones and every once in a while a good old fashioned unicorn top Christmas lists for little girls everywhere. Those same desperate letters to Santa begging for a pony – we have the room she can sleep with me! – are terrifying parents everywhere.

  1. Most parents have the sense to realize that a pony is not the best investment for their eight year old and these children receive a toy horse instead. Disappointment runs rampant on Christmas morning when there is no pony with a bow on its head in their 8×10 backyard, but in all it’s probably the safest (and cheapest) option.
  2. The fortunate few find a brand spanking new ASTM/SEI certified helmet under the tree with a lesson package at the local, properly insured, safety conscious stable. If the kid sticks with it and has a bit of luck a few years down the road they might lease an appropriate horse and continue with lessons.
  3. The pony is in the living room. Yep, that’s right Dad went on craigslist and bought a pony.

You can buy not one, not two, not three but four unbroken ponies! Anyone else having visions of a wild, galloping, 4-in-hand team pulling a pony cart dancing in their head? After all they have expert training already; there’s really nothing like a two year old running the training program.

A few things I really love about this:

  • The keeping it in the family breeding program!
  • Free babysitting courtesy the stud pony
  • Who doesn’t love a palomino paint or two?

For the rest of us already lucky horse owners, the Christmas season means spending a little extra time with our own Xmas Ponies. (Mostly because of the sub-zero temperatures, feet of snow and that automatic waterer that Princess broke, again.) I don’t deny it I still have visions of ponies dancing in my head on Christmas, although every now and then a crazed pony team crashes into the perfect hunter round, tramples the judge and makes youtube.