Craigslist has some competition!

Crappy sale ads aren’t just found on craigslist any more.

I’m curious what’s for sale? The horse, the stall or the horse head?

Jumps, crosses water, translated – Jumps across water.

Stalls, as in stalls out at the intersection?

No spook – not good for Halloween work – I’ll pass.

Is the seller aware that separating horse heads from horse bodies is no longer the fad?


A Rare Breed

I like to think I’ve been around a good number of breeds, and those I haven’t met in person I’ve at least heard about. I have more experience with gaited horses than your average bear. I’ve ridden hundreds of Tennessee Walkers, and watched more go. I’ve ridden Missouri Fox Trotters, Racking Horses, Paso Finos, Rocky Mountain Horses and Spotted Saddle Horses. This is a new one for me though, Tennuvian.

He's a bit stocky though, looks more like a Belgian cross...

I was completely unaware of this breed until I found one for sale.

I will whole heartedly admit that there are some really wonderful crosses out there that are pretty much accepted as their own breeds: Appendixes, Anglo-Arabs, and Pintabians. Sometimes though, a cross is just a cross.

Crossing non-gaited horses is a whole lot simpler than crossing gaited. Breed a Thoroughbred and a Quarter Horse and chances are it will still trot. Tennessee Walkers don’t cross real well. In fact, it can be hard to get a well-bred Tennessee Walker to gait well. To me it just doesn’t make sense to cross two breeds with different gaits and just hope for the best. Crossing Tennessee Walkers and non-gaited horses is a crap shoot, and I’ll be honest, I don’t see this going real well either. What kind of gait does one expect to get from these two, a Running Llano?

Looks good guys! Keep breeding!

There was no video of the Tennuvian in the ad, but I found some awesome ones on youtube for your viewing pleasure.

Case Study I:

Meet Colbalt

Colbalt is pacing for most of the video, although at the 30 second mark he seems to be lifting off into a half canter. Upon closer inspection of the description though you realize it’s not his fault.

“Cobalt on his second day of training being ridden by a 12 year old hunter/jumper rider. He is in training for 30 days. His price WILL go up.”

I sincerely hope this is not his second day of training EVER, since the 12 y/o girl who doesn’t seem to know anything about gaited horses is riding bareback.

Colbalt is so special he gets 2 videos.

“Cobalt being ridden. He needs work, is very green but is now in training. He is for sale $1500 to good home only.”

I also always ride my very green horses bareback on the front lawn, especially in sale videos – so happy to have found someone else who does too! My favorite part is at 20 seconds where he tries to race down the hill and trips over his own feet.

Case Study II:

Another Classy Find.

Apparently one never rides Tennuvians in a saddle; I’m not sure if that’s to demonstrate their superior gaiting ability or related to the fact that the average owner can’t afford a saddle.

I ALWAYS ride my sale horses in shorts and sandals; it proves you can do anything around them (aka bombproof).

Can you say TAIL Swisher? Except she only swishes when her neck is up, back is hollow and her gait gets noticeably trotty. It’s difficult to say whether this reaction is the effect of pain or an off-balance rider.

She does seem to be a decent little thing for all she has going against her. I would like to see her go undersaddle with someone who could help her gait.

But at least she doesn’t hurt you.

Case Study III:

The Exception

Whoa! This guy can move. The video quality sucks, but if you watch the girl she doesn’t move.

P.S. I can’t take the breed seriously if your breed registry doesn’t have a working website.

Circus Horse!

How this ad should really read:

Circus horse for sale!

Experienced circus star is for sale. Ride him your way; if you can dream it you can do it! This Quarter Horse is a fantastic starter horse for anyone with circus dreams. Not just your average circus horse, he is very versatile and comes with a complete skill set. Take this talented fellow home tonight! He does have a fleshy knot on his shoulder from a sword accident; the clown thinks it won’t harm his performance.

Skills include but are not limited to trail riding (around the circus camp), hunting (for new acts), pack horse (for traveling between shows), parades (when the circus arrives in a new town), fun shows (even circus’ have their competitions)

Sample poses shown below:

Upper Left: Reverse Side-Saddle

Upper Right: Double Trouble Bareback

Lower Left: Bum Ride

Lower Right: The Classic Stand

Please stop by if you’re interested, the circus is in town for another week then we’re headed to Buffalo!

Asking $800 or a new trapeze set.

The Hoof Story

How not to pick up a hoof, also falls in the the What not to Wear category.

These people terrify me, like I have literally had nightmares about it.

I am not, nor will I ever be a farrier. You should see me attempt to pull a shoe, it’s hysterical. I didn’t stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night. In fact, my highest ranking qualification is that I dated my farrier for a while (there were excellent perks).

Having said all that though, at least I fully admit that I know a minimum about trimming and shoeing horses. Oh I can pick feet, evaluate work and speak intelligently with the farrier; I’ve even been known to read the odd article in the American Farrier Journal and treat an abscess or two. I just have no illusions about ever becoming the guy tacking on shoes.

Sandra Bullock wasn't so good at hoof care in 28 Days.

I used to work with a woman who delighted in telling people (including the barn farriers for some unknown reason) that she trimmed her own horses. In addition to doing it herself she only used a rasp. I kid you not, no hoof knife, no nippers, just a rasp. I used to cringe every time she brought it up. Literally cringe. There were 70 horses on the property, we had 3 farriers; the subject popped up a lot.

She never mentioned any lameness issues, never had any problems, and as far as I know, is still doing it. Murphy’s Law would bite me in the ass if I ever attempted to trim my own horses. I have images of me on the ground with my back thrown out and my horse’s bleeding hoof on my chest. Violent images I’m telling you.

I do want to point out that trimming your own horses is a whole other story if you are qualified. With say the American Farrier’s Association, the European Federation of Farrier’s Association or the state association in your location.

What’s really frightening is this isn’t a one hit wonder thing. Seriously, google it, people are trimming their own horses all over the horse forums and encouraging others! Call me crazy (CrAzY!), but this seems nuts.

I can’t count the number of times I’ve seen a horse that’s not going well or with lameness problems see the farrier, bada-bing bada-boom. After a new shoeing job they’re like a new pony. Yes, I’ve seen it go the other way too, hot nails, abscess, ect. I’ve also fired my share of farriers. As a general rule though? I’ll stick with my hoof guys.

No Hoof, No Horse.

How To: The Craigslist Tutorial

Today I thought I’d do something a little different. In a sea of horrid craigslist ads how does one stand out from the masses? Never fear, I am here to help with a How-To. Without further ado:

Step One:     Identify the subject to be sold. This is usually best done over beers and a fire pit. As in:

 Jerry: We need more beer money.

Howie: Weeellll Shit. Where we gonna get that? I don’t get paid for a week!

Jerry: Hey we could sell sumthin.

Howie: How about Spot? Bout time the little shit worked.

Spot a.k.a. Beer Money

Step Two:     Ensure that Spot is in prime condition. This can be a long process; fat and muscle take time to disappear.

  1.  Remove all but the worst moldy hay and feed from the horse’s reach.
  2. Call the farrier and cancel your appointment, after all you’re selling him, he’ll be someone else’s problem soon enough.
  3. Paperwork is for sissies. Practice your target shooting using the last Coggins you have on Spot (probably from when you purchased him).
  4. If the horse won’t roll in mud and manure himself you’ll need to take matters into your own hands. The key is getting the proper consistency in the ‘mud paint’ you’ll need to spread in a thin film all over his body; I recommend adding swamp water to the mix.
  5. Bad haircuts all round! We want Spot to really shine. Shave half his mane off, cut his tail above his hocks or shave his name onto his side, don’t want his new owners to forget it!

    Bonus points for extra animals in the shot!

Step Three:     Every good and bad ad has photographic evidence to support the sale. Really take your time here, the right setting is everything. Keep these points in mind while searching for the prime location:

  • Find the corner of your yard that really says ‘a Hoarder lives here’.

    Use this as a comparison!

  • You’ll want Spot to have a slightly terrified look in his eye so flapping tarps, screaming children, dogs and firearms are usually necessary for the photo shoot.

    Family is important, if you don't have your own invite the neighbors!

  • Children’s toys always say ‘bombproof’.
  • Nothing shows Spots ride-ability like a 2 year old without shoes or a helmet.

    What a wimp! That kid's wearing shoes!

  • Uphill or downhill, slopes are your friend! The only downside (ha!) is the lack of mud- get your garden hose out- you need to go the extra mile here.
  • Taking the photo through something (panels, barbed wire, constructions fence) really adds an artistic element.

    A fabulous shot! Love the action!

  • Camera choice is also important; I recommend a Polaroid, disposable cameras (if you promise to spill water on the prints) and any cell phone camera.

Step Four:     Compose the advertising text and remember this isn’t your Grandma’s English paper.  Sample:

spit is a rel gud hrse. he real purty . ain’t gelded so u can get rel niz babies from him stil. spot cleans up rel nix. hes a quartor hors/thorowbread/shtelond/corgi/tesnensense talker X and a champion.he aint regeistered yet only cuz hes the fiurst of his kind. hes bout 5 feet tall and all muscle. he only bit marylou once and not rel hard. $20 or a case of blue ribbon. you haul.

**This was actually really hard to type, damn autocorrect!**

Step Five:      Post that ad! Settle back with a beer and let the offers come rolling in!

It's all about the frame (and yes this was actually on a craigslist ad)


The key to success here is to really work at it, you can’t hold back! If you do everything I mention though you will likely have the honor of being featured on my blog, Snarky’s, or Fugly’s. That’s when you’ll know you made it.

Answers all around!, Yahoo Answers, and do seem to attract the scum of the Earth. If Craigslist isn’t careful these guys could perform a hostile takeover of the internet stupidity cult. These fabulous websites are set up so the general public can find answers to their pressing questions from, you guessed it, the general public.

There’s really nothing like the blind leading the blind. I will admit that every once in a blue moon a normal human being will respond with a sensible answer on these sites, but for the most part the questions are stupid and the answers stupider.

Case Study I:

I know, I know I had to drag up something from 3 years ago, but it just was so priceless.

  1. If you are asking should your stud be gelded, the answer is yes. I don’t care if he is capable of winning the Olympics YOU are clearly not qualified to be in charge of this decision.
  2. ‘I can’t really handle him’ – stallions don’t settle down after breeding ever. So if you couldn’t handle him before you REALLY aren’t going to be able to after. Seriously this horse doesn’t even recommend his own breeding, on a personality factor alone.
  3. The top rated answer? Actually a really great one, the only thing missing it seems was a description of what an exceptional horse is.
  4. The original poster’s response to this advice? Decide to breed him to her mare, and then geld him. Why? Because he’s gorgeous and has some names on his papers *head-desk*

Case Study II:

  1. Ok, this is like a bad joke; a priest, a rabbi and a minister a stud, a gelding, and a mare all walk into a bar pasture, fortunately only one ended up with a lump on their forehead pregnant.
  2. 3 horses and gelding ONE is too expensive… I’m predicting problems here. Especially with the stork due to deliver another in less than a year.
  3. I think we have bigger concerns that one is not registered…
  4. Like 3 horses on 1 acre (really just a backyard). Managing that many horses on that little land is not impossible, but I have severe doubts about their capacity to handle the responsibility.
  5. This probably doesn’t qualify as ‘saying whatever on kind words’ but then I’m really not sure what that means.

Case Study III:

I want switch it up and take a look at the positives involved with breeding to this stud, can’t always be negative after all!

1. Every potential broodmare owner is concerned with fertility and they will definitely be relieved to know that he already throws beautiful babies!

     Which I’m assuming means they have spots.

2. $150! It’s a bargain, better get two breedings while we can!

     Don’t want to miss out due to raised fees after all.

3. Hunter/jumper potential here, his babies could be going to the Maclay soon!

     Ok, so when was the last time you saw an Appaloosa at the Maclay, be honest now.

Case Study IV:

I know. Needs no words right?

The good news is after further inspection I sincerely doubt that Sanctus actually owns a horse. Most of their posts are equally as outlandish and completely unrelated. I just couldn’t resist posting something so stupid.

So next time you have a pressing question, type it up and submit, the answers are bound to be worth a laugh!

Slaughter House 1600

So after trolling around the internet researching the changes recently made in U.S. horse slaughter policies I’ve reached my own conclusions.

Number One:

The American public (shockingly) needs to do a bit more research before posting on Facebook about something they know nothing about.

Number Two:

The killer buyers who have been hauling across the border for the last five years probably aren’t going to be saving any money on diesel anytime soon.

Number Three:

President Obama is not personally going to be stepping up to the slaughter plate and eating horsemeat anytime soon since he pardoned the stupid turkey on Thanksgiving.

Number Four:

There probably isn’t going to be grand re-opening of the U.S. Equine slaughter facilities with Betty White at the ribbon cutting ceremony. (At least not until we find the funding, and we don’t have a whole lot of luck as a country when it comes right down to finding the cash).

There are several really great articles that have been written about the changes. My favorite is Seattle Stew which attempts to redirect that passion that horse lovers tend to let rip on the slaughter issue. (Good luck, some of them are just unreasonable)

PETA is also reiterating previous concerns on “the suspension of US slaughter, since it meant more suffering for these sensitive animals, not less.”

Of course I have to disagree with comments later in the PETA article saying “Remember, industries that breed horses for profit—horseracing, rodeo and the carriage trade—are largely to blame for this crisis since they have created the tragic overpopulation of horses.”  While there is no doubt that horses from these industries end up in slaughter houses there are just as many backyard breed yearlings that didn’t sell at auction or on Craigslist there too.

So folks, let’s dial it down a notch. Regroup, organize, proofread and try again. Nobody ever said ending horse slaughter was going to be easy or practical.